When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be grown up. Now that I'm grown up, all i want to be is drunk.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. In conclusion: pancakes are more important than family.

I don't know why my phone keeps capitalizing vodka, but I like the way it thinks.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. They should throw parties. With strippers.

It may be the wine talking, but I really love wine.

I bought a new curling iron today and it had a warning tag on it that said "for external use only" which one of you sick fucks made that necessary?

This weekend I was told by a couple of people that I was 'behind the times', I would like to respond to that by saying that I finally got a trendy haircut. Just check out my photo on MySpace, losers!

I'm pretty sure that cows would live a lot longer if they weren't made out of delicious steaks and awesome leather boots.