Funniest conversation today: ME: I haven't even looked in the mirror today. COWORKER: You really should.

Facial cleansers with bits of fruit and nuts in them are a pretty big "fuck you!" to third world countries.

Coffee is the universe's way of saying "Go ahead and get drunk on a Wednesday. I got your back."

If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I'm going to tell you to google it and act like you're the stupid one.

Men, of course we need you. Because, jars.

If I offer you some of my chocolate, I am just trying to be polite. Don't you fucking dare take any.

I'm thankful that I don't have a swear jar today because that motherfucker would be filled right to the top.