I'm not saying that you shouldn't trust the internet, but there's a pretty big discrepancy between the number of Ipads I've won & the number of Ipads I own.

My favorite moment of the day is that moment when I decide that I'm not going to do anything else productive. That moment is now.

Having your cell phone clipped to your belt is helpful for letting everyone know that you won’t be getting laid tonight.

Operation slightly regretful and extremely embarrassed is in full effect this morning.

If you tell me "whatever you want to do is fine", be fully prepared to take off your pants.

Saying "I'm a vegetarian." is like saying "All I want is foreplay."