My favorite moment of the day is that moment when I decide that I'm not going to do anything else productive. That moment is now.

Having your cell phone clipped to your belt is helpful for letting everyone know that you won’t be getting laid tonight.

Operation slightly regretful and extremely embarrassed is in full effect this morning.

If you tell me "whatever you want to do is fine", be fully prepared to take off your pants.

Saying "I'm a vegetarian." is like saying "All I want is foreplay."

On my way to work today some guy asked me where he could find a pay phone. I told him 1989.

Shit Bev Says Will Be Resuming Shortly. The lack of updates certainly doesn't reflect the lack of shit.

I would probably go to spin class more often if they had a bike with a nice little basket where I could put my nachos.

Have you ever started to post something, but then delete it because you realized it was stupid? More people need to do that.

I'm pretty sure its Gin O'Clock.

When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be grown up. Now that I'm grown up, all i want to be is drunk.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. In conclusion: pancakes are more important than family.

I don't know why my phone keeps capitalizing vodka, but I like the way it thinks.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. They should throw parties. With strippers.

It may be the wine talking, but I really love wine.

I bought a new curling iron today and it had a warning tag on it that said "for external use only" which one of you sick fucks made that necessary?

This weekend I was told by a couple of people that I was 'behind the times', I would like to respond to that by saying that I finally got a trendy haircut. Just check out my photo on MySpace, losers!

I'm pretty sure that cows would live a lot longer if they weren't made out of delicious steaks and awesome leather boots.

Funniest conversation today: ME: I haven't even looked in the mirror today. COWORKER: You really should.

Facial cleansers with bits of fruit and nuts in them are a pretty big "fuck you!" to third world countries.

Coffee is the universe's way of saying "Go ahead and get drunk on a Wednesday. I got your back."

If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I'm going to tell you to google it and act like you're the stupid one.

Men, of course we need you. Because, jars.

If I offer you some of my chocolate, I am just trying to be polite. Don't you fucking dare take any.

I'm thankful that I don't have a swear jar today because that motherfucker would be filled right to the top.