Approximately 7 drinks ago I had a whole bunch of problems but now I'm amazing and can sing really well.

When I say "pardon me?" It's not because I didn't hear you, It's because I'm giving you a chance to change what you said.

You can steal my Facebook updates if you want but just so you know...I lick every single one before I post them.

Have you ever started cleaning your room and you put some music on, and it turns into a dance party for one? Me neither.

There has got to be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby".

The consensus of everyone in the room is that I should open another bottle of wine. everyone in the room, being me.

A telemarketer called me this morning and because I was still a little drunk I handled it by saying "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?"