Today's Dilemma: 1. Wash dishes 2. Attempt to eat Lucky Charms form a coffee cup with a fork

On a scale from 1 to Charlie Sheen, I'm getting Mel Gibson drunk tonight.

If you own a parrot and you don’t instruct it to say: "Help me , I've been turned into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.

When somebody tells me that I should be ashamed of myself I'm like "got it covered bro"

Just off the top of my head I can think of about 10 different reasons why it would be fantastic to have my own monkey.

I read today that all major airlines have put a ban on tweezers. In my opionion anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.