Last night I found a warm, unopened corona on the floor of my cab. I'll answer your question with a question... Did I have a choice?

I demand a “That’s what she said” button be added to Facebook.

A well-timed “Have a good day!” can be a great substitute for "Fuck You!" in almost every situation.

Hey, lady in the checkout line in front of me buying a box of condoms, the morning after pill and a pregnancy test...How's your day going?

I would love to be a Disney Princess... Mostly so that random animals would help me with my housework.

"I would make a great cellmate!"

My kids just did the cutest thing... They didn't exist.

When I say "wow thats crazy" 99% of the time I haven't been listening to a word you've been saying.