I like it when I delete people from my friends list and then they constantly try to re-friend and poke me. Stay desperate my ex-friends.

You really don't need spiced rum to enjoy eggnog. Vodka works just fine. in fact, you don't need the eggnog at all...

Hey adorable couples who feel the need to express their undying love for each other on Facebook: learn how to text.
Love, Everyone else

I love all of my Facebook friends ..except for you # 206. You, sir, are an asshole.

Dear Santa, let me explain...

I wish I could make my toaster dance like in Ghostbusters II. But I don't have any ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.

I can tell by some people's sarcastic undertones, inappropriate comments, and shear lack of common decency, that we could be the best of friends in no time.

I think it would be really nice if maybe, just once, someone would call me "Miss" without adding, "You're making a scene".

This ten dollar beer tastes like I'm dumb.

If you think you're going to get me to like you by complimenting and flattering me, well I have news for you, buddy! That shit works.

I don't believe that your dinner was as amazing or delicious as you say it was! Oh, you posted a photo of it on Facebook? Ok.. I believe you now.

There's nothing like a brisk morning jog to start my day. Just kidding! I don't do that.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and cancer... and getting fired... and grizzly bears... and bankruptcy... and rabid dogs ... and dying alone. But that's about it, so, whew!

If you get the feeling that something awesome just happened to the universe, it’s because I just woke up.

If everyday is a gift then today would be a really lame pair of socks.

I need some more of "The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, how the f*ck did I get on the kitchen table... medicine".

Approximately 7 drinks ago I had a whole bunch of problems but now I'm amazing and can sing really well.

When I say "pardon me?" It's not because I didn't hear you, It's because I'm giving you a chance to change what you said.

You can steal my Facebook updates if you want but just so you know...I lick every single one before I post them.

Have you ever started cleaning your room and you put some music on, and it turns into a dance party for one? Me neither.

There has got to be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby".

The consensus of everyone in the room is that I should open another bottle of wine. everyone in the room, being me.

A telemarketer called me this morning and because I was still a little drunk I handled it by saying "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?"

Today's Dilemma: 1. Wash dishes 2. Attempt to eat Lucky Charms form a coffee cup with a fork

On a scale from 1 to Charlie Sheen, I'm getting Mel Gibson drunk tonight.

If you own a parrot and you don’t instruct it to say: "Help me , I've been turned into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.

When somebody tells me that I should be ashamed of myself I'm like "got it covered bro"

Just off the top of my head I can think of about 10 different reasons why it would be fantastic to have my own monkey.

I read today that all major airlines have put a ban on tweezers. In my opionion anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

Gin, Vodka, Sprite, Whip Cream, Nutella, Lemon. Big mistake.

The early bird may catch the worm.. but who needs a worm when you can get an egg mcmuffin before 10:30? Its all about perspective people.

Last night I found a warm, unopened corona on the floor of my cab. I'll answer your question with a question... Did I have a choice?

I demand a “That’s what she said” button be added to Facebook.

A well-timed “Have a good day!” can be a great substitute for "Fuck You!" in almost every situation.

Hey, lady in the checkout line in front of me buying a box of condoms, the morning after pill and a pregnancy test...How's your day going?

I would love to be a Disney Princess... Mostly so that random animals would help me with my housework.

"I would make a great cellmate!"

My kids just did the cutest thing... They didn't exist.

When I say "wow thats crazy" 99% of the time I haven't been listening to a word you've been saying.

I'm usually done hearing people before they even finish talking because I'm a fast listener. And what they're saying is usually pretty stupid.

The first rule of hangover club is shhhhhhhh....

I feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

I think that everyone should stop making fun of Justin Bieber. She has feelings too.

Last night was either a glowing success or an epic fail, depending on how religious you are.